*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You Might Also Like
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Plant care tips
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.