I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
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My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show