ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
OH. COME. ON.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!