Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Breaking news:
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
A new level of troll.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.