Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.