please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.