*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I’m sure it’s fine.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit