Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*