That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with