NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You Might Also Like
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Love this guy
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.