Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Mountain Goat : )
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.