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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Fights fire with marshmallows
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!