Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.