Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm