[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
79.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.