Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
You Might Also Like
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
New tinder profile pic
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.