in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
As the Lord intended
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one