Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip