NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Breaking news:
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*