Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.