Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night