I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Bro what is this
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not