I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?