ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.