Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling