SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.