If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Dear Lord..
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores