[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”