[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You Might Also Like
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.