Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Am getting real tired of your crap…
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I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.