I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Choose your fighter
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else