I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’d … I’d rather not.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”