A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.