“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
What’s this sorcery? 😂