Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
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