[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call