“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’