I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Canada has crack?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.