Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I have two kinds of followers
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*