I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
You Might Also Like
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?