I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
selfie game
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
It’s the weekend y’all
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My god she’s good.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.