“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.