When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
This kinda thing happens to me often
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.