Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Hotels are back
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.