Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
You Might Also Like
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Woke up against my better judgement again
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
japanese corn
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.