Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that