*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
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people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh