I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.