If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You Might Also Like
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on