Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I feel it
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning